It's 2nd of July!

Within 2 days i'll be 21! Been wondering who would be kind enough to spend their time celebrating my birthday.. It's been lonely birthday since 2 years ago, kind of sad, when everyone else have big bash and loads of friend coming to celebrate.. Kind of pathetic, i know, but anyhow, i'm still really blessed with these people surrounding me.. Thank you Lord.. :)

I'ts almost time

It's mid of June now. I can't imagine within few weeks i'll be having my 21st birthday. Time has been running so fast. I can't imagine being 21, i'm not even close to being mature. Above that, i've been pondering about myself. What do i have? what am i capable of doing? I have not yet been close to find it out. All these times i always feel that i am no better than anybody else. People say everyone have their own talents, things that they are good at.

Well, i can't find any of my own. I've always been the Jack of all trades, i do many things halfway and don't even dare to go deeper. I don't dare to be the best, i'm scared of competition. At least i find peace being ordinary girl with nothing stands out of me.

But right now i'm in the middle of nowhere, i can't focus on my project, i think i failed as a college student. All along i've just realized that i didn't do my best in college. I get disappointed in the end, i don't even have the passion to do my research. Is it that i've chosen wrongly from the beginning? but if it is what else am i supposed to do? what is my passion?

Hello again.!

It's been so long since my last post, not that nothing happens, haha.. It's just that i've been the laziest person that i've ever been in my whole life these few weeks. My last semester of college kills me. Any more than that is probably just because i've realized how boring and lame i really am, either speaking, writing, or even living *sobs*.

I feel really ashamed reading back my previous post entries, feeling like i want to just delete them all, i don't know why. Maybe that's how you felt too reading it? Anyway, maybe i just need to try harder *grin*

Without realizing May has passed, i spend my days doing nothing, i have only one subject and classes are only on Thursday and Friday, that's how boring and sad it is. I've just realized i've spent almost 3 years in college, and i will graduate in no time.

Last April i went back home to spend my holiday and do my research at the same time. Things were slightly better during my time back at my hometown, Bali. I didn't expect it to be that way, since i had too much complain on my research and all. But thanks to my mum, eventually those bad times passed. It was really exciting spending a few more days in Bali, with all my research part done, i can say i had a great time. I needed not to worry about anything. My clothes were washed, food are ready every time i want to eat. It's the same feeling as it used to when i'm still at home. And back there I'm a little girl again.

The first few days in Bali was torturing. I had too much things to worry, too little time. And i just feel like i miss Malaysia, i miss being mature and free. But then again, home is where your heart belongs, and i can't really say in words how much i love my mum and grateful i had her. She calms me down every time I panic. She always prays for all of us and one of the reason that I can get the feedback that i need for my research.

I love my mum, sometimes i can be as stubborn as mule with her and it amazes me that every time i do she always have extra patience to deal with me. I am such a drama queen, i react too much on little things and easily get stressed over things that will eventually get solved. But my mum, she is always calm, she can handle all the pressure and keep it so deep that no one can read it. It is very rare to see my mum get angry over little things unlike me who always clumsily and stupidly react on simple things. Someday i really want to be just like her, but now all i know to do is to love her as much as possible and be with her, listen to what she has to say. So do to my dad. :D

I think i should end here, i've got too emotional already, haha.. I miss my whole family.. They will come and visit me on August, my whole family will spend our holiday together visiting east Malaysia, yay! :D

Until next time :D

Love your mum and dad. :D

wish-me-luck

Just a quick post for who-ever-is-reading. I'll be having my first exam this semester within few hours. Going to hit the bed in few minutes. I'm feeling strangely calm, just like last time on my project presentation. Who knows what this means? i hope it means something good.. =)

Well, whatever it is, wish me luck.. =)

Dreamy dream (?)

Have you ever had such a sweet dream when you sleep, and the moment you wake up, you don't feel like waking up, or feeling like your real world is not better than your dream? I can tell you i have. =p
It was last night i had this weird dream, it was about vampires, probably adopted from twilight, i don't know, it's just that the vampires were gorgeous too, not like those scary, old type of vampires, but instead they were Asians, lol.. I'm not going into details, but this guy appears as the Edward, i would say, and you can easily guess who was Bella, hahaha.. Eerie though, it's not that i love twilight, or Edward, i'm just saying to get it easier to imagine.

Yup, it was this girl (guy)..

Whoops, no, it was this guy..

Haha, just kidding, that's the old version, it was this guy, for real..

I couldn't find the best photo of him on google, but i hope you get the idea. If you watch any Japanese movies like Gokusen, Conan or Hana Yori Dango, you might know what i'm talking about.. ;D
I only watch Gokusen though, can't really tell about the others..

Anyway, those two photos above were him too, can you tell? lol..
Well, he did a lot more than just those two in this video.

His name is Oguri Shun, now you can google him if you wonder, lol..
Man, i don't know why he was the one who appeared in my dream. I was not really interested in him, but now i feel like he's gorgeous, haha..

Okay, that's not the whole point. What i'm trying to say is that i'm glad i had that dream, i mean, who wouldn't, but it added a bit more than just good sleep for me, it actually made me feel good about myself, haha.. Can't really tell why, it just did.. I know it's awkward but Oguri Shun, you can come by into my dream anytime, haha..

P.S.  Don't worry, love, you're still the one for me..

Love ya loads.. Muaach.. ;D

Hell no, please go away..

i feel like crying now.. my life has been upside down these few weeks.. i can't focus on things that are utterly important, in fact, i can't even focus on anything.. my mood has been swinging like hell and people around me are the ones who get the taste of it.. i feel so bad, yet it is out of my control.. maybe it's hormone -you know, girls stuff, it always happens, the worst weeks in my life, as always.. and then the negative thinking will take me down.. it's like acne, they come and go, you always try hard to get rid of it, but they are never really gone.. and just like acne, some even leave dents and scar if you can't control yourself properly.. *sigh

i need to find the correct medication for both of these, hope you don't experience the same thing..

wish me luck.. =)

I try

There are few things in life that i've been trying so hard to gain for a very long time yet i can't. I can frankly say to you, i don't really have many friends, in this case, especially girlfriends. Not to mean anything. It's just the awful fact. I've always been struggling with friendship ever since i was a kid. Friends are important people in our lives, who wouldn't agree with that? To me, friends are family and family should be just like friends to you.

I'm not a nasty type of friend, i can assure you. It's just that being boring and lame are few things that describe me. I am not fun enough to hang out with, at least i feel so. I am not so good with words and being a quiet and shy girl, i've always in demand of talkative friends, and in this case my best friend in high school fits that need the most. I have few close friends in high school -the one i shared to you on my previous post,we've been through a lot, and i'm glad i had them. =D

The worst is that i'd never change much, even if i hung out everyday with my talkative friends, i am still the quiet shy girl that i was. Going to Malaysia to study, i had a big hope of changing, being a new me -a more talkative me, that's what i thought. But things could never be easier. One step wrong and it's hell trying to turn back everything. Maybe most of the people who know me on the outside now would give you thousands of reasons why they don't like me. I know, they only know me on the surface. But it's not like i didn't try. I tried my best. The point is, maybe i tried too hard. I tried too hard to be liked, although they never tried to know me better. I've always tried to be the best friend that i can be. But it's hard to compromise people the moment they judged you even before you can say a word.

Sometimes i feel so lonely. I can tell you, the only people who know me best right here, right now are my twin sister and bf. Other than that, they might not even know what color i love the most. It's a painful realization really. When you are far away from your family, who else can you run into when you don't have friends around?
It's not that i'm not satisfied with what i have now. I am really really grateful with what i have. It's just that at times when i'm down i don't feel like bothering these two people i love most. Don't you ever feel that way? Or at least a few of you?

At last, be grateful with what you have now. If you have a lot of friends, especially genuine ones be thankful. If you don't, don't feel left behind. Be a good friend yourself and you should gain the same. =)

The best part of life is when your family becomes your friends, and your friends become your family.-Danica Whitfield